“I’m Better Than You, And You Know It”

"Every Man Has A Price For The Million Dollar Man"

"The Best There Is, The Best There Was, And The Best There Ever Will Be"

"Whatcha Gonna Do, When Hulkamania Runs Wild On You"

"And That's The Bottom Line Because Stone Cold Said So"

Kayfabe

WWE Evolution will take place in October 2018, and it will be the first-ever PPV in WWE history to only feature women.
And as if that had not been ground-breaking enough, WrestlingWorld has just received another shocking news: SANTINA MARELLA WILL MAKE HER WRESTLING RETURN AT WWE EVOLUTION!
For those who are unfortunate enough to miss the greatness that is Santina Marella in action, she was a goddess who was the twin sister of Santino Marella. Nothing fishy there – most twins have very similar names as well.
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Santina is most known for her victory in a 25-woman battle royale at WrestleMania 25, thereby being crowned the inaugural Miss WrestleMania. Actually, Santina was a two-time Miss WrestleMania, since she lost that title to Vickie Guerrero around one and a half months after winning it (and successfully defending it once) and won it back about three weeks later at Extreme Rules.
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Remarkably, in her second victory for the title, she was in a handicap position against Vickie and Chavo Guerrero in the most brutal stipulation of all – a Hog Pen match. Sadly, Santina’s career ended abruptly just two weeks into her second reign as Miss WrestleMania – the current President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, fired her and scraping the “Miss WrestleMania” title altogether. A sad day for humanity it was.
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Santina kept a low profile since, until the news of an all-women PPV broke. Suddenly, that urge to grab other ladies by the hair rumbles inside her again.
“I think that this is a historic event for the women in WWE, past, present, and future. It would be great if I could be a part of that”, shared Santina in an exclusive interview with WrestlingWorld.
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She contacted Mr. McMahon as soon as she possibly could, and, to her surprise, Vinnie Mac welcomed her with open arms.
“You know, after that messy firing courtesy of Donald Trump, I thought my relationship with WWE could never be the same. But I was wrong. Mr. McMahon was very generous and welcomed me home in the warmest way imaginable. Everything felt like my first day here, on the casting couch.”
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It did not take long for the two to work out a role for Santina at WWE Evolution. But when asked exactly what that role is, Santina only confirmed that it will involve some capacity of in-ring action. Asked for more detail, and all she gave us was a wink and a flash of her Cobra.
From how we see it, her appearance on the show is going to be substantial. We could only speculate, but we think she could be in for a championship opportunity – after all, she never lost her “Miss WrestleMania” championship, and she could use that as a basis to demand a championship match in either brand – just look at Finn Balor to see how effective that strategy was.
More importantly, will Santina Marella be in for a long-term stint between the ropes? We could only wait…
<h6>DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

Santina Marella To Return At WWE Evolution

On August 19th, 2018, the entire wrestling world was blessed with WWE Summerslam. Its main event – the Universal Championship Match between the REIGNING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOORLD… BROOOOCK LESNARRRR and The Big Dog Roman Reigns – sent all the fans home happy.
Half the fans were elated that their hero Roman had at long last vanquished the beast, and the other half were relieved that the bah-gawd of a feud between the two was finally over. “As long as they have a reaction!”, said Vince.
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Roman had defeated Brock in a singles match in his fourth attempt, putting all the doubters (and pretty much everyone else) to sleep. Glory, glory, glory Roman Empire. Never, never, lost to Briiighton. Manchester United fans, DON’T YOU DAREEEE BE SOUR.
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On the other side of the battlefield, someone was being a sore loser. Brock Lesnar, irate over the loss of his championship (and an undeserving paycheck), blamed his loss to the third man present at the time of the match – Braun Strowman. In particular, Brock blamed a valuable object Braun was holding.
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“ARGGGGGGHHHH! It was because of Braun’s damn briefcase that I lost! No, not because of the possibility that Braun might have cashed it in at any time before, during, or after the match. I handily took him out! You know why? It was because of the word “MONEY” on his briefcase! ARGGGGHH! It was so tempting. That word has an almost magical allure to me. I have to constantly remind myself of Sable whenever I walk past Carmella.”
Brock then became candid as he detailed on his struggle with addiction:
“I attempted to fight back the temptation, I really did. Especially in that match – that was why I attacked Braun in the first place! I tried to do everything I could to get Braun to lie flat on his front and not physically capable of lifting the briefcase. Hell, I even flung the damn thing all the way to the titantron as a safety measure! But it took a bit too long to finally put Braun down, so Roman, the opportunistic jerk he was, took advantage of my battle with the demons for his personal, selfish gains.”
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“So now that you have lost your championship, what are your plans?”
“In case your dumb pea brain hasn’t put two and two together. I’m going to exact revenge on Braun for bringing that damn briefcase to the ring. How dare him. Had he not brought the green box of nightmares with him, I could have easily handed Roman a one-way ticket to Suplex City, just like I did the last 2 times. So what are my plans, you may ask, you stupid WrestlingWorld reporter? First, Braun. Second, Roman. Third, UFC because I get 5 million for every fight. And then, I finally rest. And watch the sun rise on a grateful universe.”
Well, we here at WrestlingWorld wish you all the best in your future endeavors, Brock. As for now, we are just happy that our Universal Champion is actually on television every week.
<h6>DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

Brock Lesnar Claims To Have Been Distracted Because Strowman’s Briefcase Had The Word “Money”

August did not start out so well for Aleister, as he was knocked unconscious in the parking lot of the Full Sail arena on the August 8th, 2018 edition of NXT. What seemingly started out as just another attack by Tomasso Ciampa had turned into an all-out investigation organized by WWE.
Of course, Tomasso was still a prime suspect, but there were a bunch of other superstars who were put on the suspect list, apparently just because they were hanging around in the parking lot near the crime scene. This makes the mystery even more absorbing and finding the offender much more challenging.
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However, the whodunit is now resolved.
It has been revealed that each and every single person that was suspected ended up being the actual perpetrators, à la Murder on the Orient Express. Yep, all 16 suspects played a part in this assault. From the husband-and-wife couple of Johnny Gargano and Candice LeRae to the humongous beast that was Lars Sullivan, all 16 wrestlers at the parking lot that night took shots at the former NXT Championship.
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This was actually a logical solution, being able to explain the big difference in intensity between bruises coming from the same shots e.g. Kassius Ohno’s elbow strike versus that of Kairi Sane. Logical? Yes. But surprising? Absolutely. No one really saw it coming; everyone assumed that it was the work of one person.
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We were right about one thing, though – Tomasso Ciampa played a huge role in this attack. He was the one who planned this entire scheme. He pitched creative to hire, re-hire, or postpone the graduation to the main roster of the other 15 superstars in the collusion. Tomasso’s entire heel run was dedicated for this plan.
The breakaway from Johnny Gargano and the fans, as well as the slow turn to lunacy were to re-enforce the lone-wolf image to everyone subscribing to the WWE Network or streaming NXT shows illegally online. Tomasso only did this to protect everyone else involved in the beating-up of Aleister Black. He took all the hate to himself so that everyone could get away with the wrongdoing. Now that is what we call, “sacrificing for the greater good”.
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But why though? What fueled Tomasso Ciampa’s hatred for Aleister Black so much that he had to forgo his blooming wrestling career?
One word – family.
You see, Aleister Black has a darker past than we may think. Five years ago, he kidnapped a little 3-year-old girl for ransom but killed the girl anyways even after he had received the money in full. And, surprise surprise, that little girl turned out to be Ciampa’s daughter. Tomasso was heart-broken ever since, but his drive for vengeance was what got him back up on his feet and motivated him to devise a plan to make Aleister suffer for all that he had done to him.
And for the first time in our great careers as detectives, there is no true justice.
<h6>DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

Aleister Black Revealed To Be Attacked By All The Suspects

A recent incident has shown everyone once again why we should all be passionate about professional wrestling, as if anybody needed any persuasion to become a die-hard wrestling fan.
On June 31st, 2018, police found a car, or what was left of it, on the side of a road. Apparently, the car had crashed into a tree, crumbling its front into a big warped ball of aluminium and steel. There was someone in the driver seat, but his face had been so deformed by the collision (with the airbag, to be more precise) that no one could identify the poor soul behind the steering wheel that night.
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DNA samples were collected, analysed, and scanned on various databases, but no match could be found. There was also no other object or documents in the vehicle that could help the detectives get anywhere close to identifying who this was. Soon, the entire investigation world launched into a frenzy searching for the identity of this young man. Still, no lead proved valuable. That was, until Michael Cole stepped in.
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Within days of Michael giving a lead to the authority, investigators had pinpointed who the John Doe was, and it proved to be consistent with Michael’s speculation. So, how in the world could Michael Cole – a man who is as random as his in-ring commentary – be the key to solving this puzzle?
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We arranged to meet up with Michael in his apartment, where the moment of cognizance took place.
“Well, it all started when I turned on the morning news”, began Michael. “I was listening to some of the usual depressing stuff like stocks and WWE’s current booking when I heard an anchor say, “Roman Reigns”. Or, at least that was what I had thought. Upon hearing the name, I turned to the screen as fast as I could, waiting for some positivity to start off my day on the right foot. But when I looked at the screen, I realized they actually said, “road rage”. It was one of the reasons proposed by the authority for the car crash.”
Then the big revelation came.
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“When I heard the anchor asking civilians to help identifying who the mysterious driver was, I instinctively screamed “OH MY GOD, MICHINOKU DRIVER!””
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And the rest is history. He reported to the police, and to everyone’s surprise, it turns out that Taka Michinoku WAS that unfortunate soul. He was supposed to show up for an event, but he never showed up. His colleagues did not really mind, because “Taka goes absent from events sometimes. Those times have always been house-show, non-title singles matches with more than 2 people, so we did not really mind. This time was no different – until we saw his deformed face at the hospital.”
The investigation did not stop there. The police force was still perplexed as to why they could not match the DNA of an over-18 person to any available database. And the reason was an absolute bombshell – Taka Michinoku is a ninja.
Wrestler by the day, ninja at night. Heh. By this time, we are not even surprised at how weird Japanese people are.
<h6>DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

Michael Cole Helps Police Identify John Doe In Gory Car Crash After Yelling “MICHINOKU DRIVER!”

As WrestlingWorld had reported earlier, <a href="https://api.wrestlingworld.co/kayfabe/obsessed-with-naruto-shippuden-the-undertaker-takes-eyes-from-his-brother-kane/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Undertaker had gouged the eyes of his brother Kane</a> in a successful attempt to salvage his blurring vision from excessive eye-rolling. This was no doubt a heinous act, one that came straight out of ‘Taker’s dark pit of selfish intentions. However, his wrongdoing may drastically change the lives of many others.
In an unexpected turn of events, it was announced that The Undertaker had been awarded the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine for being the first person ever to successfully perform a whole-eye operation. This was especially surprising, since the original plan of announcement for Medicine or Physiology had been early October.
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“The best scientists had all done something that may be seen as crazy to the layman’s eyes. Newton got hit by an apple and discovers gravity, Mendel grew peas and became the father of hereditary genetics. Same thing for The Undertaker – he took his brother’s eyes, successfully implanted them to his sockets, and both lived to tell the story. Crazy scientist – great breakthroughs – it’s a proven formula”, says a spokesperson.
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Ophthalmology, until recently, has been constantly struggling with the challenge of replacing a full eyeball. All sorts of challenges need to be overcome &#8211; anesthesia, compatibility, blood lost, neural damage, among a whole host of other potential problems. Or so they all thought.
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Turns out the procedure was much simpler than anyone had predicted. Just rip your eyes off, rip the other pair of eyes off, then place that pair of eyes into your own sockets. As simple as building a Lego. Maybe it needs a bit more hatred, but still, you get the idea.
And it was this very simplicity that impresses ophthalmologists the most.
“Wow. That looked like it came straight out of Surgeon Simulator, but even simpler! No anesthesia, no neural damage, no surgery apparatus, and even no medical knowledge! Screw my PhD!”, voiced a disgruntled optometrist.
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We tried to find (and not get killed by) The Undertaker to ask for his comments about his receiving what is probably the most prestigious honor in all of academia, but our efforts proved fruitless. Instead, we went to ask for Kane’s comments on his contributions to the ground-breaking procedure. Fortunately, Kane was awake and is now able to start small fires in the ICU.
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“Well it was surely unpleasant to have my eyes taken out by my very own brother. But you know, it was probably karma. After all, I did burn his house down once. And besides, I got to play a part in a major scientific breakthrough. The procedure I was unwillingly a part of could help millions and millions of people worldwide. Plus, it helps boost my public image, too. KANE FOR MAYOR OF KNOXVILLE!”
While The Undertaker remains elusive, it was great to see Kane being so positive about the entire ordeal. We wish Kane the best in his recovery. Hopefully his future will look brighter.
Also, stay tuned for future developments (if there is still any).
<h6>DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

Undertaker Receives Nobel Prize For First-Ever Successful Whole-Eye Transplant

It seems like our chocolate chip ice cream has done more harm than good.
Ever since <a href="https://api.wrestlingworld.co/kayfabe/the-undertaker-goes-half-blind-from-excessive-eye-rolling/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Undertaker found out about his deteriorating eye condition</a>, he has been restless. From choke-slamming medical staff to destroying our perfectly fine sweet treat, The Undertaker has leaned more to the bad side of bad-ass (Although we will venture to say he has been working on the other side, too).
This morning marked the latest chapter of his depressing spiral down the pits of despair and anger, and the incident is strangely familiar.
One of the most famous Japanese comics is Naruto. And in Naruto, there is the Uchiha clan. You see, the Uchiha’s eyes are of special importance to them. In fact, they are the source of their legendary status, as their signature eyes (the Sharingan) grant them access to a unique level of cognitive abilities no other eye could offer. But here’s the catch.
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Once a Uchiha unlocks the Mangekyo Sharingan, their vision will be damaged if they overuse their eyes. However, there is a cure – a Uchiha can overcome his impaired vision by gouging the eyes of a family member who also possesses the Mangekyo Sharingan and use the new pair of eyes to replace his. When this has been achieved, said Uchiha will have the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan – basically the Mangekyo Sharingan, but more powerful and without any side effects.
And that tragic event was pretty much exactly what had happened to the Death Valley clan.
Earlier today, police received an emergency call from none other than The Undertaker’s lovely little brother Kane, asking for urgent help because “UNDIE GOUGED MY EYES OUT!”. The local police force sent in a response squad, but they could not overcome the might of The Undertaker, whose power has now reached a whole new stratosphere as a result of the eye implantation. For this reason, only after The Deadman had gone out of sight (well, figuratively) could emergency officers approach The Bg Red Machne Kane. And no, they were not typos. Kane just lost both of his eyes (*BA-DUM-TSS*).
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If you still think our suggestion that the manga Naruto had spurred The Undertaker into such heinous acts is full of B.S, think again. Police report after a preliminary search of what could have been a crime scene revealed an astounding 10000 Naruto comic books, more than 200 posters, over 9000 action figures (it is worth noting that 3000 of them are of Uchiha clan members), among many other merchandise items, all had “Undertaker” written on. But the cream of the crop was, according to one very emotional officer at the scene, the special, platinum-coated-case edition of all Naruto movies.
“Every. Single. One of them. It’s rare enough for a person to own even one of the platinum-coated-edition, so the fact that this guy from Death Valley has the entire collection is absolutely phenomenal. See, that’s why I love being a policeman – the variety of things you could see when responding to emergencies never ceases to surprise me. This… this is BEAUTIFUL!”
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As of the writing of this article, Kane is still unconscious. He is being taken care of in Death Valley Hospital’s ICU, and his life hangs in the balance.
“He lost a lot of blood tonight. He’s being hooked to all kinds of machines at the moment to hopefully stabilize his condition. Right now, there is little else we could do but pray that all our efforts don’t go up in flame”, shares Dr. Yankem.
Stay tuned for more updates on the story.
<h6>DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

Obsessed With Naruto Shippuden, The Undertaker Takes Eyes From His Brother Kane

A recently-leaked medical report of The Undertaker had revealed that his eyes were half-blind as a result of excessive eye-rolling.



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The eyeroll is one of The Undertaker’s signature moves, alongside the Chokeslam, the Last Ride, the Tombstone Piledriver, and his ridiculously long entrance. The move involves him rolling up his eyes 180 degrees, leaving the front completely white and his opponents completely perplexed as well as annoyed for having to wait another 30 seconds on top the 2 hours The Deadman spent walking up the ramp.



Now, karma seems to have caught up with him. Last weekend, after his match at Madison Square Garden, The Undertaker saw everything around him was blurry, so he was taken to a nearby medical facility. There, examiners revealed the worst news: ‘Taker’s eyes were no longer 20/20.



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">“They’re more like a 5, but that’s miles better than my wife already.”, said the lead optometrist.</blockquote>



Doctors now warn The Undertaker not to roll his eyes anymore, or else they may be curled for life. #BC4L.



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">“It’s good to be careful, but it’s not good to have eyes in the back of your head”, one doctor advised.</blockquote>



After the results are out, The Undertaker was not the happiest person on Earth. After choke-slamming half of the medics that had been taking care of him for the past 15 minutes, he finally calmed down and shared his thoughts with WrestlingWorld’s field reporter:



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">“I…I don’t know what spurred me into such acts of violence. I’m usually really calm…There’s a reason why people call me The Deadman, you know? Perhaps knowing that I can no longer do the eye-roll devastated me. It’s part of my life for so long! And now that I can’t do it anymore, it’s like going through a break-up. You’re so used to doing something on a regular basis, and now all of a sudden you can’t do it anymore… Time heals everything, they say, but it’s a hard one this one. But that’s okay – WWE has Dr. Shelby, one of the best psychologists out there. He helped my brother with his anger issues, so if I develop symptoms of depression, I’m sure Dr. Shelby will help me recover, too. But depression isn’t likely to happen. Even if I had rolled my eyes for the last time tonight, I have no regrets. I cherished every time I could be out there and rolled my eyes. I enjoyed the eyerolls. Every single one of them…”</blockquote>



At this point, he began to sob uncontrollably. We tried to console him with warm blankets and some chocolate chip ice cream but they did not work. His rage resumed and he proceeded to choke-slam the other half of his medic team, who were still frozen with fear after his first outburst of rage.



As soon as news of ‘Taker’s impaired vision came out, the Internet exploded with words of well-wishing from fans and wrestlers alike:



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">“I’m so sad to see The Undertaker like this, but I’m also happy that I could actually see.” – Twitter user @eyeswhiteopen.</blockquote>



<blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow">“No matter what happens to you, I will be there. Our relationship will remain exactly the same as before. You can’t see me.” &#8211; @johncena.</blockquote>



<a href="https://api.wrestlingworld.co/kayfabe/obsessed-with-naruto-shippuden-the-undertaker-takes-eyes-from-his-brother-kane/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Click for more updates on the story&#8230;</a>



<h6 class="wp-block-heading">DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of&#8230; well&#8230;KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.</h6>

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Kayfabe