brock lesnar
Image via WWE.com

On August 19th, 2018, the entire wrestling world was blessed with WWE Summerslam. Its main event – the Universal Championship Match between the REIGNING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOORLD… BROOOOCK LESNARRRR and The Big Dog Roman Reigns – sent all the fans home happy.

Half the fans were elated that their hero Roman had at long last vanquished the beast, and the other half were relieved that the bah-gawd of a feud between the two was finally over. “As long as they have a reaction!”, said Vince.

Roman had defeated Brock in a singles match in his fourth attempt, putting all the doubters (and pretty much everyone else) to sleep. Glory, glory, glory Roman Empire. Never, never, lost to Briiighton. Manchester United fans, DON’T YOU DAREEEE BE SOUR.

On the other side of the battlefield, someone was being a sore loser. Brock Lesnar, irate over the loss of his championship (and an undeserving paycheck), blamed his loss to the third man present at the time of the match – Braun Strowman. In particular, Brock blamed a valuable object Braun was holding.

“ARGGGGGGHHHH! It was because of Braun’s damn briefcase that I lost! No, not because of the possibility that Braun might have cashed it in at any time before, during, or after the match. I handily took him out! You know why? It was because of the word “MONEY” on his briefcase! ARGGGGHH! It was so tempting. That word has an almost magical allure to me. I have to constantly remind myself of Sable whenever I walk past Carmella.”

Brock then became candid as he detailed on his struggle with addiction:

“I attempted to fight back the temptation, I really did. Especially in that match – that was why I attacked Braun in the first place! I tried to do everything I could to get Braun to lie flat on his front and not physically capable of lifting the briefcase. Hell, I even flung the damn thing all the way to the titantron as a safety measure! But it took a bit too long to finally put Braun down, so Roman, the opportunistic jerk he was, took advantage of my battle with the demons for his personal, selfish gains.”

“So now that you have lost your championship, what are your plans?”

“In case your dumb pea brain hasn’t put two and two together. I’m going to exact revenge on Braun for bringing that damn briefcase to the ring. How dare him. Had he not brought the green box of nightmares with him, I could have easily handed Roman a one-way ticket to Suplex City, just like I did the last 2 times. So what are my plans, you may ask, you stupid WrestlingWorld reporter? First, Braun. Second, Roman. Third, UFC because I get 5 million for every fight. And then, I finally rest. And watch the sun rise on a grateful universe.”

Well, we here at WrestlingWorld wish you all the best in your future endeavors, Brock. As for now, we are just happy that our Universal Champion is actually on television every week.

DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of… well…KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.