Michael Cole
Image via WWE.com

A recent incident has shown everyone once again why we should all be passionate about professional wrestling, as if anybody needed any persuasion to become a die-hard wrestling fan.

On June 31st, 2018, police found a car, or what was left of it, on the side of a road. Apparently, the car had crashed into a tree, crumbling its front into a big warped ball of aluminium and steel. There was someone in the driver seat, but his face had been so deformed by the collision (with the airbag, to be more precise) that no one could identify the poor soul behind the steering wheel that night.

DNA samples were collected, analysed, and scanned on various databases, but no match could be found. There was also no other object or documents in the vehicle that could help the detectives get anywhere close to identifying who this was. Soon, the entire investigation world launched into a frenzy searching for the identity of this young man. Still, no lead proved valuable. That was, until Michael Cole stepped in.

Within days of Michael giving a lead to the authority, investigators had pinpointed who the John Doe was, and it proved to be consistent with Michael’s speculation. So, how in the world could Michael Cole – a man who is as random as his in-ring commentary – be the key to solving this puzzle?

We arranged to meet up with Michael in his apartment, where the moment of cognizance took place.

“Well, it all started when I turned on the morning news”, began Michael. “I was listening to some of the usual depressing stuff like stocks and WWE’s current booking when I heard an anchor say, “Roman Reigns”. Or, at least that was what I had thought. Upon hearing the name, I turned to the screen as fast as I could, waiting for some positivity to start off my day on the right foot. But when I looked at the screen, I realized they actually said, “road rage”. It was one of the reasons proposed by the authority for the car crash.”

Then the big revelation came.

“When I heard the anchor asking civilians to help identifying who the mysterious driver was, I instinctively screamed “OH MY GOD, MICHINOKU DRIVER!””

And the rest is history. He reported to the police, and to everyone’s surprise, it turns out that Taka Michinoku WAS that unfortunate soul. He was supposed to show up for an event, but he never showed up. His colleagues did not really mind, because “Taka goes absent from events sometimes. Those times have always been house-show, non-title singles matches with more than 2 people, so we did not really mind. This time was no different – until we saw his deformed face at the hospital.”

The investigation did not stop there. The police force was still perplexed as to why they could not match the DNA of an over-18 person to any available database. And the reason was an absolute bombshell – Taka Michinoku is a ninja.

Wrestler by the day, ninja at night. Heh. By this time, we are not even surprised at how weird Japanese people are.

DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of… well…KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.