Obsessed With Naruto Shippuden, The Undertaker Takes Eyes From His Brother Kane

It seems like our chocolate chip ice cream has done more harm than good.

Ever since The Undertaker found out about his deteriorating eye condition, he has been restless. From choke-slamming medical staff to destroying our perfectly fine sweet treat, The Undertaker has leaned more to the bad side of bad-ass (Although we will venture to say he has been working on the other side, too).

This morning marked the latest chapter of his depressing spiral down the pits of despair and anger, and the incident is strangely familiar.

One of the most famous Japanese comics is Naruto. And in Naruto, there is the Uchiha clan. You see, the Uchiha’s eyes are of special importance to them. In fact, they are the source of their legendary status, as their signature eyes (the Sharingan) grant them access to a unique level of cognitive abilities no other eye could offer. But here’s the catch.

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Once a Uchiha unlocks the Mangekyo Sharingan, their vision will be damaged if they overuse their eyes. However, there is a cure – a Uchiha can overcome his impaired vision by gouging the eyes of a family member who also possesses the Mangekyo Sharingan and use the new pair of eyes to replace his. When this has been achieved, said Uchiha will have the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan – basically the Mangekyo Sharingan, but more powerful and without any side effects.

And that tragic event was pretty much exactly what had happened to the Death Valley clan.

Earlier today, police received an emergency call from none other than The Undertaker’s lovely little brother Kane, asking for urgent help because “UNDIE GOUGED MY EYES OUT!”. The local police force sent in a response squad, but they could not overcome the might of The Undertaker, whose power has now reached a whole new stratosphere as a result of the eye implantation. For this reason, only after The Deadman had gone out of sight (well, figuratively) could emergency officers approach The Bg Red Machne Kane. And no, they were not typos. Kane just lost both of his eyes (*BA-DUM-TSS*).

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If you still think our suggestion that the manga Naruto had spurred The Undertaker into such heinous acts is full of B.S, think again. Police report after a preliminary search of what could have been a crime scene revealed an astounding 10000 Naruto comic books, more than 200 posters, over 9000 action figures (it is worth noting that 3000 of them are of Uchiha clan members), among many other merchandise items, all had “Undertaker” written on. But the cream of the crop was, according to one very emotional officer at the scene, the special, platinum-coated-case edition of all Naruto movies.

“Every. Single. One of them. It’s rare enough for a person to own even one of the platinum-coated-edition, so the fact that this guy from Death Valley has the entire collection is absolutely phenomenal. See, that’s why I love being a policeman – the variety of things you could see when responding to emergencies never ceases to surprise me. This… this is BEAUTIFUL!”

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As of the writing of this article, Kane is still unconscious. He is being taken care of in Death Valley Hospital’s ICU, and his life hangs in the balance.

“He lost a lot of blood tonight. He’s being hooked to all kinds of machines at the moment to hopefully stabilize his condition. Right now, there is little else we could do but pray that all our efforts don’t go up in flame”, shares Dr. Yankem.

Stay tuned for more updates on the story.

DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of… well…KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.