The Undertaker Goes Half-Blind From Excessive Eye-Rolling

A recently-leaked medical report of The Undertaker had revealed that his eyes were half-blind as a result of excessive eye-rolling.

The eyeroll is one of The Undertaker’s signature moves, alongside the Chokeslam, the Last Ride, the Tombstone Piledriver, and his ridiculously long entrance. The move involves him rolling up his eyes 180 degrees, leaving the front completely white and his opponents completely perplexed as well as annoyed for having to wait another 30 seconds on top the 2 hours The Deadman spent walking up the ramp.

Now, karma seems to have caught up with him. Last weekend, after his match at Madison Square Garden, The Undertaker saw everything around him was blurry, so he was taken to a nearby medical facility. There, examiners revealed the worst news: ‘Taker’s eyes were no longer 20/20.

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“They’re more like a 5, but that’s miles better than my wife already.”, said the lead optometrist.

Doctors now warn The Undertaker not to roll his eyes anymore, or else they may be curled for life. #BC4L.

“It’s good to be careful, but it’s not good to have eyes in the back of your head”, one doctor advised.

After the results are out, The Undertaker was not the happiest person on Earth. After choke-slamming half of the medics that had been taking care of him for the past 15 minutes, he finally calmed down and shared his thoughts with WrestlingWorld’s field reporter:

“I…I don’t know what spurred me into such acts of violence. I’m usually really calm…There’s a reason why people call me The Deadman, you know? Perhaps knowing that I can no longer do the eye-roll devastated me. It’s part of my life for so long! And now that I can’t do it anymore, it’s like going through a break-up. You’re so used to doing something on a regular basis, and now all of a sudden you can’t do it anymore… Time heals everything, they say, but it’s a hard one this one. But that’s okay – WWE has Dr. Shelby, one of the best psychologists out there. He helped my brother with his anger issues, so if I develop symptoms of depression, I’m sure Dr. Shelby will help me recover, too. But depression isn’t likely to happen. Even if I had rolled my eyes for the last time tonight, I have no regrets. I cherished every time I could be out there and rolled my eyes. I enjoyed the eyerolls. Every single one of them…”

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At this point, he began to sob uncontrollably. We tried to console him with warm blankets and some chocolate chip ice cream but they did not work. His rage resumed and he proceeded to choke-slam the other half of his medic team, who were still frozen with fear after his first outburst of rage.

As soon as news of ‘Taker’s impaired vision came out, the Internet exploded with words of well-wishing from fans and wrestlers alike:

“I’m so sad to see The Undertaker like this, but I’m also happy that I could actually see.” – Twitter user @eyeswhiteopen.

“No matter what happens to you, I will be there. Our relationship will remain exactly the same as before. You can’t see me.” – @johncena.

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DISCLAIMER: The above story is a pure work of… well…KAYFABE.. and nowhere close to reality. Do not believe this.