As WrestlingWorld had reported earlier, The Undertaker had gouged the eyes of his brother Kane in a successful attempt to salvage his blurring vision from excessive eye-rolling. This was no doubt a heinous act, one that came straight out of ‘Taker’s dark pit of selfish intentions. However, his wrongdoing may drastically change the lives of many others.
In an unexpected turn of events, it was announced that The Undertaker had been awarded the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine for being the first person ever to successfully perform a whole-eye operation. This was especially surprising, since the original plan of announcement for Medicine or Physiology had been early October.
“The best scientists had all done something that may be seen as crazy to the layman’s eyes. Newton got hit by an apple and discovers gravity, Mendel grew peas and became the father of hereditary genetics. Same thing for The Undertaker – he took his brother’s eyes, successfully implanted them to his sockets, and both lived to tell the story. Crazy scientist – great breakthroughs – it’s a proven formula”, says a spokesperson.
Ophthalmology, until recently, has been constantly struggling with the challenge of replacing a full eyeball. All sorts of challenges need to be overcome – anesthesia, compatibility, blood lost, neural damage, among a whole host of other potential problems. Or so they all thought.
Turns out the procedure was much simpler than anyone had predicted. Just rip your eyes off, rip the other pair of eyes off, then place that pair of eyes into your own sockets. As simple as building a Lego. Maybe it needs a bit more hatred, but still, you get the idea.
And it was this very simplicity that impresses ophthalmologists the most.
“Wow. That looked like it came straight out of Surgeon Simulator, but even simpler! No anesthesia, no neural damage, no surgery apparatus, and even no medical knowledge! Screw my PhD!”, voiced a disgruntled optometrist.
We tried to find (and not get killed by) The Undertaker to ask for his comments about his receiving what is probably the most prestigious honor in all of academia, but our efforts proved fruitless. Instead, we went to ask for Kane’s comments on his contributions to the ground-breaking procedure. Fortunately, Kane was awake and is now able to start small fires in the ICU.
“Well it was surely unpleasant to have my eyes taken out by my very own brother. But you know, it was probably karma. After all, I did burn his house down once. And besides, I got to play a part in a major scientific breakthrough. The procedure I was unwillingly a part of could help millions and millions of people worldwide. Plus, it helps boost my public image, too. KANE FOR MAYOR OF KNOXVILLE!”
While The Undertaker remains elusive, it was great to see Kane being so positive about the entire ordeal. We wish Kane the best in his recovery. Hopefully his future will look brighter.
Also, stay tuned for future developments (if there is still any).