“I’m Better Than You, And You Know It”

"Every Man Has A Price For The Million Dollar Man"

"The Best There Is, The Best There Was, And The Best There Ever Will Be"

"Whatcha Gonna Do, When Hulkamania Runs Wild On You"

"And That's The Bottom Line Because Stone Cold Said So"

<p>For a start, WWE RAW had sweet new graphics tonight. We liked the retouch. Alright WWE designers, next project: Matt Hardy’s boring titantron.</p>
<h3><strong>Are You Ready?</strong></h3>
<p>WWE RAW started off with an all-women in-ring promo segment, and it was great, not just because it was a refreshing change. Stephanie McMahon, for once, did not make anyone feel worthless. She really put over Asuka, and she seemed genuine. Even when Sasha Banks came and interrupted her, Steph did not go on her usual rant. Stephanie McMahon made two more great decisions tonight. She casually announced the first-ever Women’s Elimination Chamber Match halfway through a sentence, and she set up Asuka vs Sasha Banks for the tonight. Normally, we would not be too happy to see a match of this caliber being on a RAW show, but this was not just any normal RAW show. This was the post-Rumble RAW, coming right off the back of a surprisingly good first-ever Women’s Royal Rumble from last night.</p>
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<p>Asuka really knew how to channel intensity through her words. Knowing herself that she was limited in speaking English, she started by cutting a Japanese promo. By bypassing the language barrier, she could talk freely, expressing herself better (The crowd did the “WHAT?” chant during this part – screw them). Only afterwards did she translate her own monologue into English, which was fair, since, you know, not everyone knows Japanese.</p>
<p>It had been a long while since we saw Sasha Banks this fierce as a face. Or was she? During that segment, we saw glimpses of the old Banks, the Boss that snatched the headband from a Bayley superfan, leaving the little girl crying. That is the Banks we prefer. Is it possible that Sasha will turn heel in the following weeks (or even hours)?</p>
<p>Are you ready for Asuka? Are you ready for heel Sasha to return? Are you ready for the first-ever Women’s Elimination Chamber? You better be, because we definitely are.</p>
<h3><strong>“That’s a Human Being.”    <span style="color: #ff2851;">   </span>         </strong></h3>
<p>All of us collectively did a massive face-palm when Corey Graves said this about Kane, who was crushed underneath the announcer table AND the supporting platform, both of which was flipped over by, well, you guessed it, BRAAAAUN Strowman. Anyways, back to Kane for a bit. That one sentence had ruined 22 years of gimmick building. An entire legacy. From the menacing demon that ripped open the door of Hell in a Cell to a crumpling heap, just “a human being”. Well done, Corey. Now what can we believe in anymore? Is WWE one big fat lie all this time?</p>
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<p>As for the Monster Among Men, Braun Strowman arguably caused more damage tonight than he did yesterday, completely dominating The Human Being Kane throughout their Last Man Standing Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match. One stage part flipped over later, and one of the pods in the Chamber may need some special modifications.</p>
<p>A very violent first match on the red brand. Fitting, since the name of the show is literally RAW written in all capitals. But poor the commentators. Now they had to stand for the remainder of the show. Rough first day for Jonathan Coachman, eh?</p>
<p></p>
<h3><strong>Peek A Bray</strong></h3>
<p>Side update: Announcers’ table was being reassembled at the pre-brand extension position. Good, the announcers can now have a proper desk to work on. Those office workers out there, be grateful that your tables are not being taken apart, smashed on, or turned over on an almost daily basis by one of your co-workers. Be very grateful of your intact working desks.</p>
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<p>Another Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match, but this time without any stipulations. With Elias beating Matt Hardy thanks to a distraction from Bray Wyatt, Elias went on to his first Elimination Chamber match, and the (kind of) bizarre feud made another step on the road to WrestleMania. We really hope Bray and Matt will not fight again at the Elimination Chamber PPV; seriously, they are not that good in-ring to keep us craving for their matches &#8211; it is the possible uniqueness in the stories that will intrigue us. And this week, that uniqueness was there in the form of Bray Wyatt laughing for the entire titantron video. It was something different, and we are not saying it was not good, but it was not anything on fire. Figuratively of course. Or literally. Literally would have been really fun.</p>
<h3><strong>The Entire Damn Book</strong></h3>
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<p>The Miz’s successful Intercontinental Championship defense was as Miz a match as you could imagine. It would not have been too much of a stretch to say it was classic Attitude Era overbooking. The interferences from Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel were galore – they constantly were thorns until being chased off to the back by a chair-swinging Roman Reigns, and the boys returned during the final stretch of the match to make a couple more interferences. The latter ones proved to be crucial, since The Miz could not pull off the turnbuckle trick this time, getting caught red-handed by the referee.</p>
<p>A really good match to us, since The Miz kept his championship for another week, and the entire damn Book of Heel Tactics was utilized to make Roman Reigns look strong in defeat.</p>
<h3><strong>(Almost) Back to Square One</strong></h3>
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<p>The Revival fell defeat to Gallows and Anderson back in RAW 25, and even though the old-schoolers had already avenged in the Royal Rumble pre-show, to most viewers, The Revival had to prove themselves all over again. So the logical first step was done tonight – beating up a low-tier team, in the name of Slater and Rhyno. The Revival was also given some time to cut another promo comparing themselves to past great tag teams, and we liked it. It helped establish Wilder and Dawson’s no-nonsense, classic-wrestling-biased character, as well as re-familiarize the duo with the audience. Let us hope the rebuild continue in the upcoming weeks. Maybe the team’s name could finally be used appropriately.</p>
<p></p>
<h3><strong>Another Day, Boss.</strong></h3>
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<p>Asuka kept her streak intact in one of her harder matches. Not Ember Moon level of difficulty, but it was very close. This was Sasha’s best match in a while (See what happened when you gave meaning to the match, WWE? It provided wrestlers with extra motivation.) The Boss approached this match with a variety of neck-based offense. She threw out almost everything she had, almost including a broken neck from a botched suicide dive. Damn, the move is named as it is for a reason. Even then, it was still not enough to break the undefeated streak of the Empress of Tomorrow, and The Boss had to tap out to the Asuka Lock. An impressive showing from both wrestlers, nonetheless.</p>
<h3><strong>Out of Luck</strong></h3>
<p>On the one time that it actually mattered, Titus Worldwide could not do it. Even when Dana Brooke was back in her provocative secretary outfit (bless this). You know what, we had given up on all hopes for you, Titus and Apollo. Screw you, you losers.</p>
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<p>..Ahhhh relax, relax, we were just fooling around a bit. The Bar retaining the tag team championship here was precisely the right call, and they won the match in impressive fashion, too. It could not have been booked any other way. It was always good to see Sheamus and Cesaro holding the red-and-silver titles up high. As intrigued as we were by the Rollins-Jordan dynamic, the sooner they lost the championship, the better. Sorry Seth.</p>
<h3><strong>Demon Down</strong></h3>
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<p>First of all, what a main event! The dream match we all thought would not happen until April was tonight! This may ruin the first-time-ever magic that should come when these two collide at WrestleMania, but at least the match was justified – it was the third qualifying match for the February 25<sup>th</sup> Elimination Chamber match at the eponymous event. Cena defeated Balor to earn the spot, and to us, this was the right decision. In fact, it would not have really mattered who won. The concern was more on the manner in which the victor earned his spot inside the destructive structure.</p>
<p>The match ended with no shenanigans whatsoever – and that was the right move. And you did not need to remind John Cena, of all the wrestlers in the world, to win a match cleanly. Our only problem was one that has been going on for quite some time now, but one that constantly needs reminding – FINISHER KICK-OUT. Lucky it only happened tonight, or else we might as well put the word “finisher” into disuse forever. The normal AA would not work for the better-than-midcard wrestler anymore. This is what happens when the “OH MY GOD HE KICKED OUT OF THE FINISHER!!!” trope was used so excessively that it has now been the norm for slightly important matches. And as long as the problem persists, be ready for the rants, our dear readers.</p>
<h3><strong>Overall Review:</strong></h3>
<p>A very stacked card was the right way to follow up on a highly-acclaimed Royal Rumble 24 hours ago. With Braun Strowman vs Kane, Asuka vs Sasha Banks, and John Cena vs Finn Balor, this card could have been any PPV lineups and it still would not have looked out of place. There were surprisingly few promo segments tonight, but that was okay &#8211; the video packages recapping a historic Royal Rumble were more than enough. Most matches had meaning to them, and progressed stories of some sort. However, some segments needed a little more creativity, such as the Matt Hardy – Bray Wyatt interaction. Also, Jason Jordan and Seth Rollins were not on the show today, so that was another surprise. But we do not miss Jason Jordan too dearly, and his return could be saved for another week.</p>

WWE Monday Night RAW Review & Results: January 29th, 2018

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